As you can tell by the title of this newsletter “permission” is something I explore and seek to understand. The etymology of permission takes us to the Latin root, permittere ‘allow to go’ or ‘pass through’. If I close my eyes and create a visualization of this definition I see myself standing in an open space and as I pan my surroundings I see multiple paths; some with gates and keepers and some that are open with no restriction. Somehow it seems as if permission must be granted to pass through some paths and some are simply open and permission is implied.
Permission is taught directly and also absorbed through implication. Permission is not offered to everyone and sometimes you have to earn the permission. In some cases you know permission will never be granted. Permission has been expanded to include more people over time; often in premise but not in practice. Permission is sometimes beneficial and can also seem silly. Like asking to use the bathroom in school, that simply does not make sense to me. Permission is implied in manners and systems. Some people tend to abide by permission more than others. Some people throw permission out the window and proceed with abandon. There is the motto, “ask for forgiveness not permission”. Permission is used to control. Permission is sometimes merit based and sometimes arbitrary and sometimes both.
My distant memory is not always accurate but from what I remember, as a young kid I was very obedient and I listened to the rules. That is not to say I didn’t question the rules but I observed that it was an easier road and you could fly under the radar if you were not getting into trouble all of the time, operating without permission. I’m not unique in that, as I got older and life offered more reasons to rebel, I capitalized and asked less for permission and more for forgiveness - and actually not even that. I learned how to cover my tracks and I learned how to lie. I became a teenager.
The teenage years are a time where permission to rebel was granted, not explicitly stated, but because it was expected. It’s not welcomed with open arms but discontent and a strained relationship with adults was common and therefore anticipated. It creates a natural break from family to begin a journey on a more independent path, still riddled with various required permissions.
During our youth while absorbing unspoken permissions we gain labels: smart, logical, quiet, athletic, opinionated, argumentative, shy, etc. It is in these labels we gain permission to expand within these confines as we explore various paths in life. Are you smart, logical and opinionated? Great, you’d be a good lawyer so the gate opened to follow that path. Maybe you were labeled: pretty, smart, artistic, and focused. If this was you, I was completely jealous of you and chances are I still am. With these qualities, you’d be great in marketing. Gate opened.
Now, as a middle aged adult, I look at the different careers that people occupy and I think to myself, who gave you permission to follow that route to get there? What qualities did your people notice that opened that gate for you? I think I’ve realized that permissions are also based on your perceptions because, duh, everything is. One could argue that there are definitive gates that are still closed regardless of perception and I’m sure there are exceptions but not enough to discount the problematic rule.
I feel as if permission has controlled me in my life, more than actually required. I am still working with the concept of learning how to exist as myself without the predetermined labels and even entertaining different labels without qualifications and validation. This newsletter is exactly that; an exercise in trying on the label of writer and not asking for permission. Some people say after 40 you give less fucks which can also be stated as not asking for permission to exist as you want to exist. I did experience this fleetingly as I turned 40 just before lockdown. I think it is a gift that needs to be consciously exercised and not taken for granted. I also think it is not available when you find yourself in state of survival mode, a state that I’ve been actively working myself out of since lockdown. I’m here to live this experience and give you fair warning so that you do not have to experience this yourself. (harharhar)
So permission… how do you relate to it? Does permission rule your life like it has mine? Do you live by the motto, “ask for forgiveness not permission”? Or do you live somewhere in between?
I would love to know.